A Very Happy, Yet Heavy Heart

I have been thinking for awhile now about how I would go about sharing this post. In fact I have 2 other posts written in 2 other ways…but I decided to go this route. It is something that I have both an extremely happy and yet also a heavy heart over and so I want to be sensitive as to how I share this.

When Isaac was about 3 we talked about the possibility of adding another child to our family. Dominic has always said from the very beginning that he wanted 4 children. I was never set on a number but I always thought more than 1 for sure.

We didn’t think that getting pregnant would be that difficult so we had that attitude that we were no longer going to try and prevent pregnancy and we would just be happy when/if it happened again. After about 18 months my happy-go-lucky attitude had drastically changed and I was sure that there was something “wrong” with us.

We started the process of doing some of the standard “tests” to see what we were dealing with and discovered that we did have some issues that made getting pregnant on our own much more difficult. By this point I was obsessed with trying to control everything and make it happen. It took another year and when we were least expecting it we heard the news that we were pregnant. I was thrilled and we welcomed Gabriel to our family in 2003.

In 2007 we were at that place again where we really wanted to have 1 more. We were both healthier than we had been in the past and were in a really good place. I thought that maybe the trouble we had with Gabriel was just a fluke – that added with an attitude that we “deserved” this pregnancy and I was sure that this time it was going to be a breeze.

Once again though, it was not. After kits and herbal supplements and charting for many, many months we were in the doctor’s office again, taking those same tests and hearing once again that our chances without assistance were very slim.

Then in January of 2008 I got the result that we had been waiting for, a positive pregnancy test! As I have shared before, we lost that pregnancy on February 19th and I began a whole new experience of grieving the loss of a pregnancy.

I had a new compassion for women who had similar experiences and hurt with other women as they shared their stories of frustration and loss. I must say that I can’t understand why it has to happen this way, and to so many people. I can’t say that I believe that this is the way God would want things to be. I think sometimes in life there are things that we don’t understand and are just not fair and I just don’t have a magical answer to God’s purpose in all of it. I still struggle with that sometimes today.

If you have read my blog at all you know that 6 months later we got the chance to try again and 1 year ago in May of 2009, Elijah joined our family. I do feel blessed by the family that I have. But my heart is also heavy for those women out there that have struggled with infertility, that have lost pregnancies, lost babies.  Many of these women I have met through blogging and I pray for these women and their families often.

Even after having Elijah I shared that I struggled when a co-worker told us she was pregnant after deciding they wanted to get pregnant in a specific month and then did. After being on the other side of it I still today wonder why it is so easy for some and so difficult for others. I shared that I wanted to be happy for this person, but felt jealous I guess that it couldn’t be that way for me.

And then it happened to me…..

Dominic and I knew that, God willing, we would like to try and have 1 more. We talked with my doctor about it after Elijah and decided not to prevent anything from happening and knew that based on our prior history that it would probably take awhile….I figured it would take much, much longer….

But apparently things don’t always go the way we plan. Without trying, planning, charting, testing or preparing we got pregnant! God willing, we will welcome the newest member of the Smith family into our home on January 1, 2011! We were surprised at first but are super excited about this opportunity to complete our family. And so it is with a happy and joyful heart that I share this news!!

And as wonderful as it is for us, I know that there are those out there that aren’t hearing the news they so long to hear this month. I am praying for you. I have been there in my own way and my heart is heavy for you. Because I know how it can hurt, how it feels to be jealous that someone else gets to be pregnant and you aren’t. I am praying for you. Because I too asked God over and over again “when is it my turn Lord?” I am praying for you. Because I understand how it feels when everywhere you look you see pregnant women and wonder if you will ever see that in you. I am praying for you.

Today I covet your prayers. Prayers for the life that is growing inside of me, and prayers for those women who have struggled with infertility, who do struggle with infertility still and for those woman who have had to give up their pregnancy or their children much too soon. And if you would like me to pray for you specifically please leave me a comment or send me an e-mail. I would love to lift you up!