Getting Into Community

As I shared with you a few days ago...real community, stepping out there in faith, can be hard. Especially for women I think....men maybe I am wrong here, and please share if I am!! But really what was so interesting to me was that a couple of amazing, strong women left me comments/e-mails expressing that they have struggled with the very same things I do.  This shocked me really because I tend to believe that my "situation" is unique.

That awful desire to compare and feel less than, and then to isolate so we won't get hurt by other people.  The idea that people might be judging me and my family or their behavior etc is enough to keep me tucked away in the safety of what is comfortable here at home.

But these women also reminded me that we have this need for, a draw to, community - real community...and sometimes we just have to get out and go, even if everything isn't perfect. Even if we have just a bag of chips to bring to a potluck, even if our child throws a tantrum in the middle of the room. This is where we are right now in life and we need to be ok with it.

And what has really been playing around in my mind is that when I am so focused on me and how I am feeling or perceiving things I start to believe that lie that I can't trust anyone but myself....and I stop giving others the chance to be real with me.

God created us for community with one another.  Each one of us has special talents and gifts, unique abilities. Some of us can balance many small children with patience and grace (let's be clear....this isn't my strong suit), some of us can cook or have the gift of hospitality, some of us organize well and have creative talents.

Each one of us is different and has something special to share in community.  When we lived in SD we attended a great church with some amazing members. People that met us initially at really a low point in our marriage...people that encouraged us and supported us and showed us that we don't have to be wrapped in a pretty little package to be accepted and loved. They wanted us to be members, wanted us to be involved - defects and all.

Since moving here I have been a little reluctant to open up and trust that we will find that same acceptance here. But we love it here....feel like God led us to Marshall and to the church in Cottonwood and I am beginning to see that if I want that community that we had in SD - I have to be willing to step out and take a chance on people here as well.

And so that is what I am trying to do and while I am not quite ready to go jumping full into the waters of community just yet....I am dipping my toes in at the edge...and looking forward to what may come. It has to start somewhere right?!

Why I skipped the church picnic....

Today at church our pastor talked about some of the freedoms found through Christ. He shared that so many of us are in bondage to one thing or another but with Christ we can have freedom from those things. Freedom from the bondage of sin, Freedom from our past scars, Freedom from darkness, Freedom from the performance trap and Freedom from temptations...just to name a few.

Towards the end of the sermon he asked us to write something that we want freedom from on this paper and then during Communion we brought those papers to this bowl at the alter and he and some of the Elders would be praying over them in the days to come.

I wrote a couple of things, self-centeredness and this tendency that I have to always be comparing myself to others and feeling like I don't measure up.

They also announced at the service that we would be having a picnic today at a park outside of Marshall to celebrate the church's long history and that some bonds they had for the church building had been paid off earlier than expected.  It was supposed to start at 4pm. All good right?  The kids were excited and I even went out after church and bought the groceries to make this grape salad and some cupcakes.

But somewhere in between making the food and 4pm I had talked myself out of going all together. It started with us not really being ready to go on time and me realizing that we would be late. I HATE being late. I mean HATE it. I'd rather not go somewhere than be late. I know that sounds crazy and as I type it I can't understand it myself.....but I have always been that way.

Then of course it was "too hot"...and who wants to be outside when it is too hot. (Somewhere in that reasoning I had "forgotten" that I had spent time outside a few hours earlier reading in that very same heat)

No, the lateness and the heat weren't really the reason. The reason, if I am able to be honest even for a moment, is that you all scare me.

Come again?

Seriously, all of you families that have the perfect dish to pass, and the most well behaved children who never throw a fit and eat everything on their plates without argument, who are always on time and of course have mastered the art of comfortable small talk with people you only casually know.

You see I am none of these things. And compared to all of you I feel like I fall miserably short. And while I don't like that I compare myself to you...the truth is I do it.

ALL.THE.TIME.

I know that this is an area of bondage to sin in my life. That staying home and not allowing myself to step beyond my comfort zone and dive into community keeps me stagnant and alone.  That isn't what I want for myself. It isn't the example that I want to set for my kids.

And the sermon was so on point for me, especially today. And although I can write it down on paper...or in a blog post. Taking the next step and moving forward towards freedom in that area is something that I can't do alone.  

I know that this is an area that I will have to be in prayer about. And I am sure that the only way to step out in faith is to do that very thing that makes me most uncomfortable.  So while I did skip the picnic this time....hopefully with God's help and a little grace from all of you perfect people out there :), one of these days I will not only attend, but WANT to be there as well.

How about you....have you ever been held down by the burden of comparison? Afraid of real community? What did you do to move forward towards freedom?? I'd love to hear how God has worked in your life!!

The ONLY Hope

Yesterday (Wednesday) was little Isaac Thompson's funeral service. I had the incredible honor and privilege of being asked to sing at his service. It was one of the hardest things I have been asked to do....but God is so gracious and I just prayed and prayed that I could get through the song and honor Isaac for his family, and although I was very nervous the entire song...I felt such a peace and strength right before I went up.

It wasn't me...God was there. He was present and I felt it in a real way.

I have really just been trying to process everything the past several days, trying to make sense of it all. And I can say that the answers haven't come.

It doesn't make sense and it isn't fair.

A coffin shouldn't be that small. And a parent shouldn't have to bury their child.

As many times as I have asked God why....I am sure Isaac's family have asked it a thousand times more. But even though we question, even though we scream that it isn't fair....God IS still here...He hears the cries of His people and He IS present.

The family asked that the pastor preach the Gospel message at Isaac's service.  They knew that there may be people there that didn't know about God's redemptive love, that couldn't claim Jesus as their Savior and they wanted to make sure that they had an opportunity to hear a message of hope.

He talked about that the ONLY hope we can have is in Jesus.  We can't have hope in this world and the only reason that Isaac's family can walk forward in this time of immense grief is because they know that this is not the end.

We will see Isaac again.  And as a people longing for the joys of Heaven, we hope that comes sooner than later.  I think that when a parent loses a child that longing for Heaven is even stronger.

But at least we have that hope, that promise that Isaac is healthy and healed and in the arms of his eternal Father. 

But do you have that hope?

What do you hope in? Is it things of this world? Things that we are promised will pass away?  Once again I am reminded that our time here is so short. We do not know the day or the hour.

Can you afford to put off making a real commitment to Christ? If you wait for tomorrow and tomorrow doesn't come....do you have the complete assurance that you will spend eternity in Heaven?

I believe that God was present yesterday because He grieves with us. And He carries us when we can't move ourselves.  There is comfort knowing that although we don't understand or agree with the hurt in this life....that we, as believers, are promised an eternity in glory with God...where all things will be made whole again.

My prayer tonight is that if you haven't made that commitment to a personal relationship with Christ....that you won't wait. I acknowledge that I am a terrible sinner and that I can never achieve the prefection needed to grant me "access" to our Holy Father. But God, in His mercy, sacrificed His ONLY Son so that my debt and your debt would be paid. All we have to do is accept His gift and turn to Him, giving Him our will and our life and trusting that He will be with us during our time here on earth.

My God knows about sacrifice and He meets us where we are tonight. He is present and He is our ONLY hope. I thank God for that truth tonight and I pray that you do as well.

I am attaching a video of the song "Untitled Hym" by Chris Rice.. It is a beautiful song of hope!

How Do You Offer Comfort?

Not long ago I wrote this post asking you to pray for a little boy from our former church in Parker SD.  Little Isaac had been diagnosed with JMML, a rare form of cancer, right before Christmas.  I was asking for prayer because he was very sick in the hospital trying to get well enough to have the bone marrow transplant he needed.

Many people prayed for Isaac and at the time he did get a little better and he was able to be transported up here to MN to get the transplant. God's people prayed and it seemed that He answered those prayers.

But the cancer was ultimately too much for his little body and on Friday Isaac went home to be with Jesus.  Earlier that morning his mother had posted a prayer request that they needed a miracle....and God's people prayed.

Ultimately our prayers for healing were answered, in that through Christ's sacrifice, Isaac is fully healed and in the arms of his eternal Father.

But of course the prayers weren't answered in the way that we all hoped....for healing on this side of Heaven.  And that is tough to reconcile with, isn't it?

And so I have been wrestling with this all weekend. Wanting to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. Wanting to figure out the "whys" and wondering what I could possibly do for or say to his family to offer some comfort.

I wish that I had all the answers....the right words to say to try and take away some of their pain. But I don't.  What I can offer is my prayers. Asking God to allow us to carry a portion of the burden for someone else so that their load may be a bit lighter.

Have you ever been there?

At a place where you faced something difficult, unimaginable even? And while you couldn't see how any good could come from this trial - you still felt even a small bit of peace?

I believe that peace comes when we share each others burdens. And when there may be no other words that seem appropriate, maybe the only thing we can do is to pray that God would allow us to carry a portion of that burden.

Right now the burden that the Thompson family is facing is huge. Will you please join with me tonight in praying for them? And if you feel led, ask God to allow you to carry some of that burden for them.

Wednesday is Isaac's funeral. Please pray that God's peace will be felt in a strong way that day. That the promise of Isaac's healing and now freedom in/with Christ will bring others that don't know God to the feet of the cross.

 

If you have lost a loved one...or especially a child...what were some of the ways that you found comfort and strength from others? Maybe by sharing here we might come to find a better way to help those we come in contact with.

Thank you for lifting up the Thompson family.

Five Minute Fridays - TRUST

Today I am linking up with Lisa Jo of The Gypsy Mama for Five Minute Fridays. The premise is simple - 5 minutes of writing, unedited, no back tracking, no overthinking!

Today's topic is TRUST.

Our family is being stretched in ways I can't even wrap my arms around right now. There are really only a few responses I can have....

Lay down and die or Trust.

I think it is interesting that the verse that I have been memorizing recently is Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

Right now at this moment this is all I can do.

Trust.

Trust that even though we can't see it....what will happen...that God has brought us to this place and He will walk us through it.

Trust that if nothing else we will come out of this time as a stronger family, couple...united.

Trust that we just have to deal with and live through today, and tomorrow will be taken care of tomorrow.

I don't need to spend endless hours wasted in worry.

All I have to do is trust.

Easy words to say when life is easy-peasy...

Difficult to walk through when life is not.

But this is my choice, it has to be. If not now then all of the words I ever expressed before about God's love and faithfulness mean nothing.

I am trusting you God - I don't understand, I don't agree but I trust.

I have to.

STOP

An Anonymous Gift

"All the things in this world are gifts and signs of God's love to us. The whole world is a love letter from God" ~ Peter Kreeft

It is in my nature to be a giver I think. I enjoy being able to give gifts to others, or help out a person(s) in need, to give without expecting anything in return.  It is not as easy though for me to receive.

I am sure it is my pride. I want to be able to say that I can take care of it and I didn't have to ask for help.  It is a lesson that God has been teaching me the past few weeks.  Teaching me how to be humble and grateful and willing to accept a "gift" when it has been given to me.

Today was another one of those times.

When I went to get the kids from daycare I was talking with Markel and before I left she says to me that someone paid for the next 2 weeks of our daycare costs.

Excuse me?!

So she says it again....and I start to cry (of course!!) She says someone contacted her and asked what we pay for a weeks worth of child care and said they would be sending her a check. And she has promised to keep the donor anonymous.

I am just overwhelmed here.  I don't know that I can find the right words to express the depth of my gratitude that someone would do this for our family.  I don't understand it and the prideful part of my heart is frustrated that we would even need it in the first place.

But overall I am feeling so humbled and amazed at God's faithfulness.

You see the past week has been especially tough for me.  I have allowed my mind to focus on the negative and I had stopped believing that God's faithfulness could extend to our family. I was upset about our circumstances and tired of trying to act positive.  I was certain that things would not be ok.

Boy does it take a lot of energy to be mad at God!  I knew the truth but because I couldn't see it or tangibly feel it in MY time, I fought against it.

But in spite of me and my pride and anger God showed up in the form of this beautiful anonymous giver.  The Body of Christ in its truest sense.

I don't know who you are...or if you even read here and I wish that I could say thank you in person...but since I can't I hope that you know that this means more than you could possibly know.

And when we are in the position again we will pay the gift forward - until then I am praising God for His Body of believers.

THANK YOU

A Reminder.....And Many Thanks

I have been a bit of a lump the past few days....in fact writing this post today is probably the only structured thing I have done besides getting the kids up and ready for the day! :)

I guess we need days like this every once and awhile. Ones that we just sit and read a book or watch a movie and let the housework and chores sit for one day.

Speaking of reading I just won an e-book copy of Jen Hatmaker's "7". It is about eliminating excess in 7 areas of your life. It is scary and I almost don't want to keep reading because I know it will challenge me to change and that is frightening....but not why I am writing this today.

I am not someone who likes to ask for or accept help.  When people ask if I need help with anything I will probably say no. I don't want to admit if we are struggling with something and can't handle it on our own.

I want to be self-sufficient.

But in my quest to handle it all I have lost a little bit of my reliance on God...because I know better than He right? He isn't here dealing with my job loss or fears....so I should suck it up and handle it on my own. I don't need help from anyone.

But in the past few weeks I have been humbled by the support we have received from family and friends. Financial help, prayers, words of encouragement and unexpected birthday gifts have graced our path and I feel so grateful.

Not expected, and at times difficult to accept...but none the less appreciated so much.

Today I received a birthday card and gift and a letter with a reminder about some of the biggest blessings in my life. I have 4 amazing kids. 4 kids who just light up my life with their words and their smiles and their hearts.

Such gifts.

And I have my sweet husband. A man that works so hard to provide for our family and supports me in so many ways. A man that makes me laugh and encourages me to "take a nap" because I can right now. A man that reminds me over and over that it will all be ok.

No matter what happens.... 

I am learning that it is ok to not be completely self-sufficient. That I need to rely on God in the good and bad times. That I can accept help and when I am in the position once again - we will pass along the blessing to someone else who needs it.

For today I am giving thanks for all of you...and you know who you are. Your prayers, your support, your ideas and gifts, your encouragement and your love.

It is felt, it is appreciated and it has healed a broken part of my spirit. Thank YOU for being the body of Christ to our family.

When Life Isn't Easy and "That Part"

I have to be honest with you...the past few days have not been good for me. I am feeling depressed and defeated and angry.  Most of my anger has been directed at God and what I perceive as the "it's not fair" situation we are in.

While I typically try and talk myself into believing that everything will be ok, I had stopped doing that and had fully embraced the negative.

It is ugly and it isn't a place I can stay.

I think that it is normal to be angry with God in difficult situations. If you believe in the God I do you may also believe that He has the power to change a circumstance. I believe that God can heal cancer or other terminal illnesses, I believe that He could provide the perfect job for me, I believe he could stop earthquakes and tornados from happening....insert any tradgedy here and I believe that God could stop it.

I believe God has all power....but just because He has the power to change things doesn't mean that he does.

And that is difficult for me to understand right now.

It is that question that I think believers ask time and time again...why do bad things happen to good people? And when they do what should our response be??

Well my response the past couple of days has been sinful. In my anger with God I have cursed His name, said that I was "done with all of it" and not been a good example of living out faith in front of my kids.

Because it is easy to have faith and talk the talk when life is good. But it is MUCH harder to really live it out when things are bad.

Dominic and I were talking last night and I said "For once, I just want it to be easy"..."just once I want our dream(whatever that is) to fall in our laps without having to try so hard to get there, I want to not worry about tomorrow...I just want it to be easy."

And Dominic said "Maybe it isn't about life being easy...but it is about being able to walk through the difficulities with grace." "That is how we need to live out our faith, to be an example to others of the grace that was already given freely to us."

How easily I forget that part of God's story....

You know that part when God sent His only Son to live on earth...to experience all the trials, temptations and difficulities that we experience, and then to suffer an unimaginable death on a cross so that we have a way to life everlasting with Him for eternity.

 That part that I blocked out when I was stomping my feet in anger about what God was allowing to happen to our family again.

That part that I wouldn't consider when I was telling God that I was giving up on Him. That I didn't believe He wanted good for me and my family.

That part....

Romans 5:1-8

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

⁶ You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. ⁷ Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. ⁸ But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day. And truth be told I am convinced that things for us are going to get worse before they get better.  I don't mean to be a downer here but I just think that we live in a sinful world and bad things happen all around us and to us. And just because we believe in God and are working at being faithful doesn't mean we are exempt from these things.

 And so I don't hold hope in the things of this world but only in the hope of Heaven.  I will do my best to continue to trust in God during my time here and be an example of living faithfully during that time. And I will work at being an example of grace because so much more has already been given to me.

An Adventure in Faith

I am not the kind of person that you might describe as adventurous.  I like the "normal", the routine and often times mundane.

I would rather stay in than go out, I get to know a certain group of friends, co-workers etc and I don't feel the need to really expand my horizons. Because putting myself out there for someone or something new is scary. And I don't do scary.

I like the comfortable.

Perhaps this is why God is stretching me a bit. Because even in my faith I have become comfortable.  I believe in God - I will pray for people and tell them that He is in control, I will share how He has worked in my life...but do I really believe it for my life?

When everything feels like it is out of control - do I believe He has a plan?

People who know us, our close family and friends who have walked through the past 15 years of our marriage, know that life has never been "easy" for Dominic and I.

We have walked through some very dark and difficult times, we have fought - with God's help - for restoration and renewal - and we have seen the fruits of that labor. But it has never been easy. It seems that we are often taking a step forward and then two steps back. Whether it is job related, or cars that break down, finances...you name it, it seems a struggle.

When our family starts saying "When will you ever catch a break"...we know it isn't just us and our perspective...but others can see it too.

And yet Lord I still believe in something better....

Dominic and I were talking the other night about all of this and he said that maybe, for us, it just won't ever be "easy street". Maybe we need the struggle so that we can step outside of ourselves, seek God's help and direction and then someday be there for someone else going through the very same thing.

And yet, if I am honest, my heart cries for our silver lining...our break...our dream.

But would that really make me happy?

Last week I blogged about Joy.  I had no idea when I wrote that post that a few hours later I would be getting my walking papers from my 13 yr job.  But as I read the post again I still feel what I wrote. I can still find the joy in the midst of the uncertainty that is my day today.

God has called me to an adventure in faith with Him.

A journey that is uncertain and sometimes scary. A journey that requires me to step out of my comfortable and trust in Him completly. And right now I have to do this....I can't imagine any other way to deal with everything....but to have faith that this too shall be ok.

I am memorizing Proverbs 3:5-6 right now and it is so appropriate for this time in my life.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; and in all things acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

As I adventure out in faith I trust in my God with ALL my heart - not just the comfortable part...but the uncomfortable too. I stop trying to figure out the "whys" with my small amount of understanding and I will bring ALL things to God, acknowledging that He knows better than I and give Him the control back to place me on the best path for my life.

Lord I admit that I wasn't ready for this adventure with You...but now that I am "in" I am all Yours!

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In Which I Give Up Control

In a few very short hours (3am to be exact) Isaac will be getting up and getting ready for his second trip to Haiti.  I am so very excited for this opportunity for him and so proud of him that he has a heart to go in the first place.

But this mama's heart is also feeling scared.

If you haven't guessed it yet I am kind of one of those people who likes to have control of their environment. (Just a little) ;)

When my kids are close, I have the illusion of being able to control what happens to them. But when they get on a plane and fly to 3 airports, across a body of water and into a foreign country(even if he is with family)...well my ability to control goes out the window.

And so I must offer him back to the One who gave him to me in the first place.

And trust....

I truly hope this is an amazing experience for Isaac. I want God to reach in and move his heart in a BIG way. Trips like these can provide such perspective and I hope that he comes back changed.

Just come back safely....there I said it.

That is probably the biggest fear that I have - even when I travel away myself....

But I know that I can't be living in fear - not for me or for Isaac. That isn't what God calls me to do.

Matthew 6:27 "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?"

So tonight I physically open my hands...and once again give up control.  The act of actually holding open my hands reminds me that I don't have the reins anymore. That I am offering them up to God and asking that He take control.

So tonight and for the next week I covet your prayers. Prayers for Isaac and my dad and the rest of the team travelling together. Prayers for the people of Haiti that they will have an opportunity to spend time with. Prayers that their hearts will be open to God's leading and that they all may feel His presence in all they have before them. And prayers for safe travels during their entire trip.

Communication will be sparce througout the week but as I get updates I will share them here.  Thank you for loving my family and supporting them in prayer. It means so much to me!!

A Heart Like Mary

Luke 1: 26-38 26 In the sixth month of Elizabeth’s pregnancy, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, 27 to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. 28 The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

29 Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. 30 But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. 31 You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. 32 He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33 and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

34 “How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

35 The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[a] the Son of God. 36 Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. 37 For no word from God will ever fail.”

38 “I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.

I am the Lord's servant. Five amazing words from a young girl.

Do you ever sit and think about Mary during this Christmas season? Our focus - as it should be - is usually on the Christ-child. But today as I was driving to work I heard the song "Mary Did You Know"...and it got me thinking about this young mother and what it would be like to have a heart like hers.

We don't know for certain how old Mary was, but we do know that she was of "marrying age" - which could have been as young as 12-13 years old.  In addition to being very young she was a virgin - it was expected of her actually. In fact not being a virgin could mean that she wasn't "marriable" - is that a word?? And when her betrothed Joseph found out that she was pregnant he wasn't obligated to marry her.  But we know that God intervened in that part of the story as well.

Now I don't have a 12-13 year old girl (yet) but I know how selfish and immature I was at that age. Certainly not ready for marriage and definitely not ready to be the mother of the Son of God.

But let's look at Mary's response again.  "I am the Lord's servant."

Now knowing me I would have had a thousand questions. I probably would have protested and argued and asked that someone else be chosen instead. But not Mary. Yes she questions the angel a little, but not much and then gives herself over fully to the plan that God has for her.

"I am the Lord's servant."

Do you think she had any idea what was in store for her? That her husband Joseph would put her on a donkey when she was 9 months pregnant and travel with her many many miles, that she would have to give birth in a stable surrounded by animals because there wasn't any other place for her to be, and flee to Egypt to protect her child, and that she would have to stand in a crowd years later and watch her son be beaten and crucified.

Oh Mary did you know?.....

And yet somehow I think even if she did fully know she would have still answered the way that she did.

"I am the Lord's servant."

I feel challenged by this sweet girl from our Christmas story. Challenged to give myself fully to God as she did. To be the Lord's servant. Whatever that may cost me.

And yet I hold back a little at times because I am afraid of what I may be asked to do. I don't want to ride hundreds of miles on a donkey while 9 months pregnant (metaphorically speaking), I don't want to have to hide or flee for my safety and I don't want to be asked to make a difficult sacrifice - like losing a child.

But I want to be able to give myself to God - to live my faith life without regret, to be a servant. Really truly have a servant's heart. A heart like Mary's.

So that is my prayer during this season. That my heart may be a heart like Marys. That in all things I will say "I am the Lord's servant" - and then walk forward in complete faith of His plan for my life.

How about you? What is your focus this Christmas season? Will you join me in praying for a servant's heart....a heart like Mary's?

History

Recently I was given a very special piece of family history. It is a love seat that belonged to my great-great grandmother Mathilda.

Isn't it pretty? It just happened to "match" our decor in the new house and I am so excited to have it.

It was handmade and has beautiful, intricate details. Much like we are made - it was made with care, designed to be special and unique.

As you can see it is also worn and some of the edges have taken a little beating over the years. But those marks are a sign of the pieces' character. Reminding us that no two pieces are alike. Each worn in a different way and each reflecting its own beauty.

And so are we aren't we? Each of us have had our own life experiences and many of those things have made us who we are today.

I am grateful for all of the things - good and bad - that have shaped me and created the woman I am today.  I am not perfect by any means and I too have some rough edges.

But God has been faithful to me - reminding me that I am a thing of beauty - His beauty. I tend to forget that at times and focus on the rough edges instead of the "whole" of who I am becoming.

Hopefully as I walk with Him and seek to know Him more I will continue to reflect Him in all areas of my life. That is my life's goal. It won't always be easy and there are times that I question God and ask Him "why" bad things have to happen. And although I won't always get an answer to those questions I do know that He continues to use those times in my life to refine my character.

For that I am grateful. This piece of my families history is a reminder to me that this refinement process helps me build a heritage of faith and trust in God that I can pass on to my children.

So how about you - is there an important piece of your history that reminds you of God's refinement in your life?

With the fall comes changes....

The leaves are falling here (and blowing into our neighbors yard - sorry guys!!!)  The pumpkins are out on the porches and thanks to some clients of Dominic's we have corn stalks gracing our porch pillars!

I almost can't believe that it is already October. What a year it has been....so many changes.

Dominic just reached his 1 yr mark with his current employer. And while the job isn't always perfect (what job is right?!) he works hard and has learned so much. It is hard when you come from a job where you have been an "expert" in a sense and you start something completly foreign. There will be a learning curve and at times I try and remind Dominic of that. After 1 year at Advocacy he did not know what he knew after 9 years.  This is no different and so although it can be discouraging to start at ground zero, I have confidence that he will continue to grow and achieve his goals in this job as well. 

What I have seen most in Dominic this past year is that regardless of his circumstances he chooses to find the positive in all things. He teaches our children that we can't focus on the "where" we are to make us happy - but we need to be grateful for all of the things that God has given to us - even the struggles and find joy in Him.

We have been in Marshall for almost 4 months now and at times it feels like we have always been here. This house, our neighborhood has felt like home from the moment we got here. The kids are adjusting even more to school and doing well. I have the review of my 90 days coming up in the next week or so....there is still uncertainty. But what I do know is that God knows the end result and I am confident that whatever that is - we will be ok.

And in less than a month will mark the anniversary of losing Karlena. I still just sometimes can't believe she is gone.  Grief has a funny way of sneaking up on me and I find at the strangest times she will come to mind and I feel that loss all over again.  I think the hardest is that today I don't have a friend like I had in her. Not that she could be replaced....but a part of me longs to have that spiritual connection with another Christian woman again.  I grew more in my walk as Karlena and I walked life together and I miss that so much. :(

But as the leaves fall and winter looms I am reminded that after the "cold" season new life develops once again. It always does. Things today look different than they did a year ago and will likely look different next fall as well.  I am grateful that there is a constant and consistent presence of God with me in each new season. He continues to remain faithful and once again I am so very grateful.

Worst Case Scenario?

What kind of person are you? Are you the kind that can see the positive in everything or are you the type that often considers the "worst case scenario"?

If you are anything like me, in some situations....you may revert to the "worst case" side of things. I don't love that side of me and I think that it is usually the result of fear in my life.

The fear of what exactly?? I think for me some of my biggest fears are that I won't measure up...I won't be enough. My kids won't fit in and they will struggle.

But don't you love the saying below??

The idea that if we are bringing those fears to God that we will find courage...a strength in Him that we aren't capable of ourselves.

I have seen how something that I had great fear about has been transformed through prayer and trusting God with my children.

I wrote this post about how I felt when we got a diagnosis for Gabriel 4 years ago. I was terrified for him. I just wanted him to have friends, to be like every other kid his age.

I would read about the characteristics of kids on the Spectrum and it would talk about kids that are "loners" and lack empathy.  Knowing how hard school can be anyways I worried that Gabriel would really struggle.  That he wouldn't have friends and would be seen as "aloof"

There wasn't much that I could do to "control" the situation and I just had to pray for him and support and encourage him where I could and trust the team that was put into place to work with him...and trust God with all the details after that.

Someone started working with Gabriel when he was 3. He had speech therapy and also worked one "social skills" with a few other kids in his class.

For the first year there wasn't a huge change. He continued to play alone, but his speech improved and we started understanding more and more of what he was trying to communicate.

Today though you wouldn't recognize him from the Gabriel we feared for 4 years ago.

Last week I completely forgot to study his spelling words with him and he got 100% plus 4 out of 5 bonus words correct!  This mama was proud!! :)

And today I went over to the school and had lunch with him because he is the Star Student for the week.  We had to fill out a sheet and answer some questions about what he likes etc and his favorite class is math! He wants to be a pilot when he grows up but he also wants to be a magician too! :)

When I met him in the hall some of the kids asked if they could sit with him at lunch. He showed me where to go and told me how to get my tray. And after lunch he was getting in line for recess and I was getting ready to go when this boy a few in front of him in line pushed this girl really hard and she fell back into Gabriel and onto the floor. The first thing Gabriel did was immediately ask her "Are you ok?!"

And I could tell that he was genuinely concerned about her.

The memories of my fears from 4 years ago came rushing back to me as I walked to the parking lot.  So much that I thought wasn't possible for him....and so much that he has already overcome.

Gabriel is a joy to me. Simply a joy.

I could have spent the last 4 years sick with worry. Afraid of his future and all of the obstacles that might stand in his way. At some point though I knew that I had to turn him over to God and trust that His path for Gabriel....for all of my childten, was better than my own.

Fear binds us, it holds us captive. It lies to us and tells us that we will never be enough, we will never measure up, that we will always struggle.

Today I am trying to choose life instead of fear. To trust in God with all areas of my life and to watch in wonder as His beauty unfolds in front of me.

Is fear in any area of your life holding you hostage?  Join me and others as we read "What Women Fear" with the Bloom Book Club at (in)Courage.  I am so excited to go through the book again and then connect with other people on the journey of freedom from fear. Will you join us?

You Are Beautiful

This isn't an original idea. I am following suit from my friend Amanda. She posted the following with a beautiful picture of her daughter.

I had heard this Mercy Me song once before but hadn't really listened to the lyrics.

You must listen to them here. Read the lyrics...let them sink in, believe them, hold them in your heart because you are beautiful!

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Regardless of what is in that reflection...grey hairs, wrinkles, scars, extra weight etc...can you see how beautiful you are to your Maker?

For a long time when I looked in the mirror I saw something hollow and empty and ugly. But God transformed me, my husband, my family....He has made beauty from ashes.

 PRAISE GOD!!

And although I may not be the version of me that the world says I should be...I can see beauty - His beauty.

Today - look in the mirror and praise God for His beauty - YOU!

Typical or not??

"Typical" as defined: combining or exhibiting the essential characteristics of a group or conforming to a type.

For all of my life I have wanted to at least feel "typical". As though I belonged to the larger group of people that seemed to have it all together.  I was always a little shy (ok a lot) and a little awkward (ok a lot) and felt a little out of place (ok a lot).

When I was 7 yrs old and in 1st grade I was walking into school during a particularly windy and snowy day and the wind blew so hard that I fell into the bike rack and hit my eye.

Massive shiner. But after it happened I didn't want anyone to know (um yeah right!) and went into school and sat down and tried to hide my crying. But this girl next to me- Missy White - raised her hand and in front of the whole class told the teacher that I was crying. Awesome.

The good part of that was that I ended up having to stay at home for a few days until the swelling in my eye went down and I got to use my Easy Bake Oven and make some tasty treats. The bad part was that even at that young age I knew that I was "different". I mean how many people do you know that have gotten a black eye from being blown over into a bike rack??

As I got older it didn't get much better....I so desperately wanted to be the pretty girl with the long beautiful straight hair.

Instead I had short and curly hair. I wasn't overly athletic and I couldn't do the V-sit and reach in P.E. I have tight hamstrings...my arms just couldn't stretch like that without feeling like my legs were tearing...but I digress.

And at one time I apparently rocked a mullet big time.

There just really aren't words adequate here....

In 6th grade - the same girl who "told" on me in 1st grade was having a big party and all of my friends were invited. But I wasn't...they wanted me to come and wanted to help me "impress" her at a football game that we were going to by wearing a really cool outfit.

This was my favorite outfit then...and it wasn't really football weather appropriate. But I wore it anyways and froze all night that particular Friday. And when it was all said and done, it just wasn't good enough. I never got the invite I wanted. :(

In 7th grade I was the first person to have braces AND glasses at the same time. (Although later this worked to my advantage when we started high school I was the 1st to have them off!) But you get the point. I just always thought others had "it" figured out and somehow I had missed the life training course.

Some of those things still linger with me today. I am not comfortable in big group situations. If it is work related I can handle it because I have something to talk about...but when it is a "social" situation I always feel out of place.

It is something that I had always hoped would be different for my kids because it was such a struggle for me....

When we found out that Gabriel was on the "spectrum" I worried about what growing up would be like for him. You can read about how I felt about the results here. Kids can be mean and I knew that Gabriel would probably never be "typical".

And at times he does struggle. He doesn't lose well at games and doesn't understand at times just how to enjoy the "typical" kid stuff - like choosing out a prize from a prize bag. He is very black and white and likes to follow the rules....and when others don't he points it out. Not exactly top on the "How to win friends" list.

But he has a passion for life that I often don't see in kids his age. Last year at school his teachers would comment that he is such a great kid to have in class because of his joy for school. He loved it. Always happy to be there and always grateful. When he would get a certificate for getting a 100% on his spelling test he would thank his teacher!

And he has an incredible heart for God and an interest in all things spiritual. Gabriel and I have many conversations about God and Heaven. He doesn't want anyone to go to "the bad place" - saying the real word is a naughty word according to Gabriel! :) And he prays for people that at times I didn't want to pray for because I didn't feel they deserved it. But Gabriel doesn't see it that way. Everyone should be able to go to Heaven according to him!

I love that about him. And so while I worry and obsess at times thinking about how I can make him more "typical" so that he can avoid the hurts of this world....I am reminded that I too have been and continue to be where he is.

And that is ok.

I think that is what I love most about blogging. I am able to say here what is on my heart without fear of judgement because I can't "see" your reaction as you read this. I don't feel quite as awkward hiding behind my computer as I do when I feel I have to try and impress you in person.

And so although I may not ever be "typical" I think that is ok.

Because through the bad hair and the clumsiness, the crooked and then straight teeth, the braces and glasses and just about every color of contact in between one thing has been constant in my life.

God has always been there.

I really felt His presence the first time that my mom took me to a Christian Women's Club meeting and I heard a woman share her story about feeling not "typical" and how God used her anyways...I wanted to be used by God in the same way.

And as I reflect on all of the things that I have experienced I know that each one has been an opportunity to grow. If I am willing to do so.

Maybe, just maybe being not "typical" is a blessing because I get to see the world through a different pair of glasses.

And I have to say that the view from here is pretty sweet!