Friday, June 27, 2008

6 Months

Dominic and I decided about a year and 1/2 ago that we really wanted to try and add to our family. He has always wanted 4 kids, I was leaning more towards 3. We have 2 amazing blessings already in our sons, but to be honest I have always longed to be the mother of a daughter.

I would NEVER trade either of my boys, but given the option, an addition of a daughter would be so wonderful. I get all silly and emotional when I think about it - but have you ever heard that Steven Curtis Chapman song about dancing with Cinderella??? Every time I hear that song I have this image of my husband dancing with our daughter at her wedding. Now if you know my husband and his great distaste for dancing you will know exactly how silly this all sounds...but still I can see it.

So we finally make that decision that we are "ready" to start trying again...and I really think that this time it is going to be easy. Unfortunatly it is proving different. After trying for a year without success and much frustration I FINALLY get pregnant. We found out in early February that we were pregnant and we were so very excited.

Maybe it is a "mom" thing, but immediately I got back out the "What to Expect..." book and did some online research about early pregnancy. I found a website that offered all sorts of free coupons and stuff when you registered your e-mail address and due date. I am all about free/cheap stuff - so I did.

For whatever reason this particular pregnancy wasn't "meant to be" and we miscarried later that month. I was devastated, still am to some degree every time I see another pregnant woman, but I am getting least I thought so.

Then last night I was checking my e-mails and came across one titled "6 Months". It was from that site that I had registered on, telling me how my baby was growing, moving and changing. What to expect in the next few weeks, how to deal with this situation and that. All wonderful advice - except...well you know the rest.

It is times like these that are the most difficult I think. Times when I question why this had to happen, times when I imagine that things were different, times that the sadness again creeps back in - just a little.

I can't imagine going through life, whatever it might be, and not having my God to rely on. I can't and don't always agree with or understand why things turn out the way that they do. But I can rest in the truth that God is carrying me when I can't walk alone. He is loving me through the hurt and the sadness that I have. He is blanketing me with peace when I need it the most and He has promised that He has a plan for me. A plan that isn't always going to be my plan - but possibly if I can trust in Him, may be better than anything than I could have imagined.

Today if you are feeling like this life isn't how you had planned...ask God to show you the plan that He has for your life and then ask Him to empower you to carry His plan out. May you be blessed in the asking.

1 comment:

Suzanne said...

Love what you said, and how you said it. I am right there with you from the hurting at the sight of a pregnant woman to not knowing how I would cope without our Glorious God!!!! Just as you made me feel that I am not alone in how I am feeling and coping, you too are not alone!!!

The Smith Family Journey

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