I made a decision this weekend that I really needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling. The fact that things hit me so hard this month really overwhelmed me I guess and I felt like I needed some outside perspective. I know that when I hold things in and am afraid to share them that I tend to get more crazy in my head. I have a need to share my life - even the crazy thoughts and feelings with someone who will listen, understand.
So Monday afternoon I made an appointment to speak with a counselor. I share this not because I am terribly proud of the fact I needed this outside guidance - but I guess more to recognize it for its value....so many times we are afraid to admit that we need help, we think that we can do this "life" on our own and often times we need guidance along the way...and I think that is ok.
I shared with her that I had been feeling sadness at the strangest of times, in the shower, hearing a specific song, times of quiet, when I heard my dad's voice on the phone this afternoon...all these things have caused the tears to come...I can't explain it and quite honestly I don't like it. I don't like feeling so emotionally out of control, and it was those feelings that lead me to make the call to the counselor.
We talked about grief, how it manifests in people, that the way I am feeling is "normal" and understandable. She suggested that the reason that I was feeling this strongly right now was that I was once again grieving a loss...this time though it was the loss of the hope of the pregnancy...and this could be why it was hurting a little more than previous months.
In my head I know some "facts". I am still young. We still have a chance to get pregnant - (although each month that passes my hope diminishes), we are blessed with 2 beautiful children and it is ok for me to have that desire for more. She said that she believed that God gave me that desire to have more children - and she felt I would be blessed with that opportunity again....I like that idea....but at times I loose hope.
She suggested that some women who had lost a child/pregnancy etc. have benefited from writing a "goodbye" letter to their child. One that only a mommy could write - a "goodbye for now" letter for those of us who believe in reuniting in heaven. So I am going to attempt to say my goodbyes here. I share it because I hope to become more transparent with you. Because I have learned in my program that when we share our hurts they are cut in half and when we share our joys they are doubled. I know I will share my joys with you also, so thank you for walking through the hurts with me now.
Dear Little One
Although I only knew of you for a short time, I loved you from the moment I realized that you would be a part of our family. I know that it is probably something only a mommy can understand but immediately I started to think about who you would be, if you would be a boy or a girl and if you would look like your brothers. Overwhelming Joy - that is probably the best way to describe the way that I felt. I could not stop smiling. I thought about how I could surprise your daddy with the news but I couldn't wait and called him right away and told him. It seemed like no matter what else had happened on that day - everything else melted away and the only thing that was important was you. We wanted to tell your brothers the good news but decided that we needed to wait awhile. When we would say prayers together in the morning we would praise God for the blessings He had given us, and daddy and I knew what that was. It was fun to have a special secret. Right away I started making all the plans that a mommy makes. I wanted to make sure that I took extra special care of myself and of you. I made my doctor's appointments and I wanted to know when my due date would be - it was October 24th, 2008. We had waited for so long to have you that we were filled with so much excitement about it. It makes me very sad that I won't have the opportunity to hold you. If I could have made things different - I would have. I wanted to be your mommy. I wanted to hear your cries, see your eyes, your face, wipe your tears, hold you, and love you. All the things a mommy loves the most I wanted so much for you. I wanted to see the look on daddy's face as he held his 3rd child. I wanted it to be different, but it can't be. Although my heart grieves now for what I can't have. I will not forget the happiness I felt when I knew you would be ours. Overwhelming Joy - that is what you will always be to me. Thank you for that gift, however brief, it is mine and I am grateful for it.
I love you