Saturday, July 19, 2008

Sadness

Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt sad? Today for me has been one of those days. I am struggling today and I thought that I would write about it - get it out there and maybe it will help me to get rid of it.

Last week I wasn't feeling well most of the week. There were several symptoms or signs, if you will that led me to the hope that I might just finally be pregnant again. I held onto this hope all week - almost happy that I didn't feel good. If it meant that we were pregnant, I'd take it - embrace it...with gladness. I was wrong, and we aren't pregnant....

I really do try every month not to take this thing so seriously, but it is so hard. And so this morning the tears came, and sadness fills my soul. My heart is filled with such a longing that it has become an obsession almost, and every month that passes and no positive results....my hope diminishes just a little.

I know that I need to focus on the blessings of Isaac and Gabriel, and I almost feel guilty for wanting something that some people aren't blessed with at all....but still my heart longs, and so the sadness comes.

I sat outside by myself this afternoon for awhile just to be alone. Gabriel didn't allow me much time to do that and promptly came out to share my juice with me and ask me if I would go to the store and buy potatoes. He is with me now as I type putting crayons down tubes of wrapping paper - even though I asked him not to. He has a way of making me smile, even when I don't feel much like smiling.

I know that it isn't good for me to stay here long - in a place of self pity, and I think that just by writing this out it is helping me get out of the "hole" so to speak. But right at this moment tears fall for what could not be again this month. I trust that God is with me now, even in my diminished hope, my mistrust and my sadness. I still don't see the plan He has in all of this - but I trust there is one. I have to - to keep moving forward I have to.

Now I have to go and play "slap the J" (slap jack) with Gabriel. He just asked me 17 times in a row if I would play with him....how do you say no to that?

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