Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I Do Not Belong

I do not belong...and for the first time in my life I am happy about it.

Let me explain..

From way back before I can probably remember I always felt like I didn't belong. Despite the fact that I grew up in a 2 parent home with parents who loved us and did the family "thing" with us, I never felt like I truly belonged.

Maybe it was that I grew up on a block with 2 sets of twins who were the same age as I was. Oh how I envied them...they always had someone that they could play with, be friends with and share secrets with. I wished for years that I had been a twin because I saw the special bond those sisters shared..even when fighting! In fact as an adult I have said that I would love to have twin girls. Not because I think I can manage 2 infants at the same time but because I would in a way get to have for my daughters what I couldn't have myself. Silly I know.

Maybe it was because I just was never the pretty girl, or the popular girl or the athletic girl. I was despite my best efforts - average. Gasp I know! But seriously at the time those feelings shaped me, caused me to feel "less than" even if no one in the world told me I was "less than".

It was that "hole" inside of me that was not able to be filled of things of this world. But boy how I tried to fill it myself. I practiced and practiced and prayed and prayed that I would make it onto the cheerleading squad. It didn't happen and I was devastated. So I tried out for the dance team instead. And although I made the squad, in my mind it was not where I really belonged.

I wanted to be something/someone important after college so I decided in my Junior year of high school that I wanted to be a physical therapist. It was a profession that would make me feel important - or so I thought. After my first year at Augustana it was clear to me that PT was not a road I could be going down anymore. So I switched schools and majors and after 4 years graduated with a BS in Psychology. And my first job out of college?? Working at a retail clothing store...not exactly the dream job I had hoped for.

I got married really young and we had Isaac and in the beginning married life just wasn't like I thought it should be. It was hard and I wasn't prepared for that. And once again I felt like I just didn't "belong".

Today my life looks a lot different. My relationships with my husband, my kids, my family are so fulfilling and rewarding today. Today I can say that I have true friends. People that care about me and how I am doing. People that pray with me and for me, people that are willing to share life with transparency. I no longer have the burden of feeling like I need to prove myself or be someone that I am not. I guess you could say that I have found that sense of belonging.

Until I was reminded of an even greater truth yesterday on my way up to Sioux Falls. I was listening to the radio and was struck by the lyrics of a song titled 'I Do Not Belong" by Kutless. I wanted to share them here...

I look around and I feel like, thing's changed and I don't know why
And everyday that passes by I feel so far away
I can see in the distance, You have the rest of me
I put my trust in you, as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear.

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

When the world is behind me on the day that I breathe my last
In the face of eternity there's hope cause' I believe
When I look to the heavens and the future that you hold
It makes it easier to see beyond today
Now I'm looking to the sky

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong

This world is not my home
I'm a stranger in this land
But I am not alone
When I do not belong:

I do not belong in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on to the place of Your perfection
Cause I do not belong
No, I do not belong
I do not belong

You see I really don't belong here. This life, this time it is not my true home. My home, the place where I belong, where I will no longer be a stranger is the home with My Father in Heaven. And I think that it is good if I don't feel like I belong here on earth. Because the minute that I begin to get too comfortable here is the moment that I start taking control back of my life and less willing to give Him control.

Dominic and I have been on a journey the past couple of years to seek out what God's will is for our lives. We don't do this perfectly or even well at times but we are trying. It is something that takes effort and willingness. Willingness to follow through with what He might ask of us. That is where the hard work comes in. Are we ready to follow where He leads - even if it hurts?

I would like to believe yes, and honestly I am grateful that we haven't been tested with anything too difficult. But I know that if we are that there is only one place that I will look for guidance. Because I belong, we all belong in the arms of His redemption. And that redemption is found in the blood of a Savior that chose to die for me and for you so that some day we would have a place to belong.

So today I rejoince in the fact that I don't belong here and there is freedom in that!

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