Thursday, June 3, 2010

A Different "Club"

For many years, as we struggled to conceive both Gabriel and Elijah and experienced a miscarriage, I found myself in a “club” of women who had been where I was. Women that understood the pain that was often involved and women that knew how to support one another. It was never a “club” that I wanted to be a part of – just because of the reasons that got us there – but it was somewhere that I felt normal and safe once I got there.

Safe to share all of those crazy thoughts that I would have. Safe to share frustration about someone else’s joy and feeling envious about it. Safe to share that I didn’t understand why it has to be so easy for “those people”.

Now I am one of “those people”. People that get pregnant when they aren’t trying or planning or charting. One of “those people” that I struggled with….and it is an interesting and unusual place for me to be.

I shared with a few women at our church that even though I am joyful about our pregnancy….I also feel a sense of guilt about it. Almost like I don’t know why I “deserve” this now….when so many other women are desperately trying and not getting pregnant.

I know that if I were on the other side of it…I would tell someone else that it isn’t about “deserving”. But it is something that Satan uses to deceive me. It worked before too. When we struggled I felt that I must not be “deserving” enough, and now on the other side of it I feel like I do not deserve this.

I know that they are lies whispered to me that I should not believe, and most of the time I can stand firm on my faith in God and His truth. But at other times the guilt creeps in and I believe the lies…even if just for a moment.

So I find myself in this new “club” now and a part of me feels like I don’t really fit in….like I don’t really belong. But I am so glad that God doesn’t give me grace because I deserve it. I would never receive it if it were based on what I do or who I am!!

So instead of being in the “easy pregnancy club” or the “difficult pregnancy club” I should focus on being secure in the “God is my rock and my salvation club”. And when those lies start to creep in my focus needs to be in God and who I can be because of Him! There is freedom found there I am sure.

So what lies about yourself do you believe today? Bring those things to the feet of Jesus and replace the whispering lies with the firm foundation of Truth found in Christ!

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